If you need to leave and seek safety, that is not necessarily a first step toward divorce. Verbal abuse is a form of non-physical emotional or psychological abuse that can include name calling, threatening, saying embarrassing or belittling things or yelling, says Tina de Benedictis, Ph.D. and colleagues for the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress. Verbal abuse is a form of non-physical emotional or psychological abuse that can include name calling, threatening, saying embarrassing or belittling things or yelling, says Tina de Benedictis, Ph.D. and colleagues for the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress. We used to take sweet counsel together; within God’s house we walked in the throng.” (Psalm 55:4-8; 12-14). Answer. For example, a husband sends texts or calls throughout the day from work and gets angry if the wife responds too slowly. When you set your sights on your commitment to love, the possibilities are limitless. Find a community of people who worship this Jesus and who express their worship in love for one another. If not, make that commitment now, and learn the joy of having Christ at the center of your marriage. Lift up the boy, and hold him fast with your hand, for I will make him into a great nation’” (Genesis 21:17, 18). Read also Ephesians 4:29-32. The verbally abusive husband might act out of male privilege in heterosexual relationships; he may not understand why his wife does not want to conform to conventional roles. These are the primary methods a man uses to dominate his spouse. In the case of abusive anger, the angry person might like the sense of power and control. He wants you to respond by depending on Him to be your defender. Since God loved us like this, we should expect that we will have the opportunity to love others in the same way. These are the primary methods a man uses to dominate his spouse. Sometimes just by responding rather than ignoring him you can help change the interaction. Some who do quickly renege on them and go back to the abusive situation. Keep in mind, however, that this often does not solve the problem. It also says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). Proverbs like “reckless words pierce like a sword” will validate your experiences (Proverbs 12:18). He wants you to trust that He is hearing your cries and is going to act on your behalf. Since I’m in the midst of writing my series on When a Husband Doesn’t Love His Wife with Christ-Like Love, I felt that now would be a fitting time to answer this reader’s question.. Dear Jolene, I attended a church many years ago that taught some things I still wrestle with: I know God frowns upon divorce, but what does the Bible say about getting out of abusive relationships? One person in particular leads the singing. All rights reserved. Let Jesus bring peace to your marriage—and your soul. But that does not solve the problem—it only makes it worse. They thought they were utterly alone, but “God heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, ‘What troubles you, Hagar? But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. Contact Us. God says verbal abuse harms people and carries the power of death. Perhaps he is not even aware you are hurt by the things he says, and although he may not be intentionally hurting you, he needs to be aware of your feelings. It is better understood as a statement of hope and a desire to see change in the marriage relationship. Be careful that you don’t become an imitator of such behavior. 2 But Patricia Evans, author of five books on verbal abuse, implies there is much more to verbal abuse than chauvinism. If you have questions about products, donations, registrations, etc., complete this form or call: 1-800-358-6329, Monday-Friday 8am-6pm (CST). We have two teenagers and he treats them badly. It might start with small signals making it hard to recognize as abuse. God changes all kinds of people. The abuse can take many forms: verbal, physical, psychological, sexual, and financial. The challenge is to keep the scales tipped in love’s favor. FamilyLife® is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation and all gifts are tax deductible as allowed by law. Discerning the path of love and obedience when two or more of these submissive relationships collide is a call to humble, Bible-saturated, spiritual wisdom. Hubby has become very verbally abusive and now has started throwing things. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Evans says that an abusive man creates an ideal world that does not exist by forming an image of the perfect woman. Privacy An abusive husband disobeys Christ. As you know and experience God’s pursuing love, your love for others will become stronger than your desire to be loved. First, “I want a relationship. The God who came to this world as Jesus and experienced oppression and injustice also stands against it. Sometimes just by responding rather than ignoring him you can help change the interaction. Don’t minimize his destructive behavior. • Topics: Abuse, Anger, Marriage. The Bible calls this overcoming evil with good (Romans 12:20). This is an abomination to God. You are right that these decisions are difficult. Even if you incite anger (and that is rarely the case), there is never any excuse for cruelty. A quick scan of the Internet reveals that you are certainly not alone. This is the way to avoid the twin contaminants of most relationships—anger and fear. We may not see all of what He is doing, but, make no mistake, He is acting. It also says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). ©2020 BGEA Divorce is commonplace in this evil generation. Question: "What does the Bible say about verbal abuse?" Proverbs warns, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). Whenever you encounter the Spirit in the Bible, you encounter power. You don’t want to leave. Have you noticed that in all relationships we balance our commitment to love with our desire to be loved? Usually the scales are tipped in favor of wanting to be loved. Question: I was wondering if you would comment on a husband who is mentally and verbally abusive but who is also a Christian?I know this to be true, because while I do feel that he loves me, he also goes to church with me almost every Sunday and he and I are involved in Bible studies. If children are threatened, this is essential. Like Hagar, the people were not even crying out to God; they were simply crying, and God heard. ... or is there a deeper problem?” Sin is hard to leave, in part, because we like it. We’re so sorry for your pain. Is emotional abuse enough grounds for separation or even divorce? The Bible does emphasize that marriage is a covenant that should not be broken unless we have God’s permission (Matthew 19:6). An abusive husband disobeys Christ. I KNOW that knowing I was from love, saved my life. In the case of abusive anger, the angry person might like the sense of power and control. Husbands are commanded, “Love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). Be sure you do not act toward your husband in the way he acts toward you. The Bible is full of stories about God hearing the cries of His people and coming to their rescue. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Evans says that an abusive man creates an ideal world that does not exist by forming an image of the perfect woman. Outfitted with love, you have more power than you think. Some people, for reasons known only to themselves, often speak to others in this manner. Guidance on Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse. Proverbs warns, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). Verbal abuse is one weapon in the arsenal of emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse — whether it’s emotional, verbal… Subscribe for help where you need it most, we’re here for you! I know that the bible says that the man is the head of the family but he has put me into the position of having to take this role. Love gives you the clarity to make difficult decisions on the fly. I am very concerned about his mental state. Ask your pastor to guide you in the knowledge of what God says. “Woe to the shepherds who destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture!” declares the LORD. Home Even emotion and verbal abuse God will not excuse. The reality is that most women who are suffering like you don’t take these steps. This is a pattern. You have many reasons why you don’t ask for help. As you focus on the fact that God loves you and considers you precious to Him, there will be a real difference in your life. Husbands are commanded, “Love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). You are witnessing his selfish desires running amok. Women who live in identical conditions don’t protect you or give you hope for peace and reconciliation. He responded to the cries of the Israelites by delivering them from their slavery in Egypt. Therefore, ask for help. He was tortured and suffered a terrible death at their hands. After all, when we were God’s enemies, He extended His call of love to us (Romans 5:10). Most likely, you are numb, scared, confused, and paralyzed. To be part of His chorus, all you have to do is follow Him. His listening always includes action. If you attend a church, talk to your pastor. Should you speak out or be quiet? Bible verses related to Verbal Abuse from the King James Version (KJV) by Relevance - Sort By Book Order Matthew 12:36-37 - But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. Remember that God loves you, and you are important in His sight. When you put your hope in a person, you will feel like a life raft let loose on the open sea. Abusive husbands, like the rest of us, will have to face God someday to give an account for every single deed and word (Matt 12:36; Rom 14:12). Bible Verses About Abusive Husbands Bible verses related to Abusive Husbands from the King James Version (KJV) by Relevance - Sort By Book Order . Sometimes a harsh and insensitive attitude shields a person who himself has been wounded by the remarks of others. There is nothing that specifically allows her to leave the husband either. Divorce is commonplace in this evil generation. For example, you aren’t eager for someone to confront your husband because you are afraid he will get even angrier at you. Read through the book of Proverbs underlining all the sayings about anger. Look for God’s help to arrive from God’s people. BGEA • The Bible does speak to abuse but it does not do it all in one place in an exhaustive manner. Like a mother who wakes at the sound of her child, God hears the cries of the oppressed. The scriptures, our priests’ advise, the Catholic church’s views on the permanence of marriage, and the example of saints who lived in abusive marriages, (not to mention a spouse who apologizes after the abuse occurs and asks for forgiveness), can come together as a whole to encourage a woman (or man) to stay in an abusive marriage. The Spirit will confirm this, and “Blessed are those who have not yet seen and yet have believed” (John 20:29, ESV). Wife abuse is widespread, even, sad to say, among evangelicals. Like a mother who wakes at the sound of her child, God hears the cries of the oppressed. 4. So what’s left to do? Verbal abuse can leave scars on the heart and soul for a lifetime. God’s presence is a real spiritual presence. Second, emotional abuse violates the two greatest commandments: love God and love others as yourself (Matthew 22:35-40). I’ve never been physically hurt, but the constant verbal and emotional abuse has made my life miserable. Men, too, can be victims of spousal violence. If so, He will help you to find the words. Verbal abuse often follows a script, and you can disrupt it … God wants you to direct your cries and fears to Him. Whether you are facing unpredictable anger or outright physical abuse, this is betrayal at its worst. Where can you turn for help? Here’s a hard distinction, but it can go a long way toward bringing you sanity. Remember, it is possible to overcome evil with good. We would urge both you and your husband to examine your relationship with Christ. She turned her back on her son so she wouldn’t have to watch him die, and they both wept. If you’ve been physically hurt by your spouse, and he continues to threaten you, then you should get protection. Trusting in God’s love will free you to love others the way you have been loved. Verbal abuse can leave scars on the heart and soul for a lifetime. I have been divorced from my tithes paying, choir leader, pastor parish leading, verbally and lastly physically abusive (1 and done) ex husband. Accept responsibility for your own sinful responses, and not accept responsibility for his. In this very popular New York Times bestseller, Drs. If this describes you, then you might know some action steps, but taking one will seem impossible. I know that the bible says that the man is the head of the family but he has put me into the position of having to take this role. Calls the kids and I very nasty names. Yes, King David wrote this psalm, but he wrote it on behalf of the perfect King who was to come after him. I, for one, really appreciate that kind of care in crafting a question. Where can you find a wise friend to guide you? Engage your husband when he is verbally abusive. In any case, we can understand the problems you are having. 2 But Patricia Evans, author of five books on verbal abuse, implies there is much more to verbal abuse than chauvinism. We’re so sorry for your pain. It can stand against injustice and confront another person in their sin (Matthew 18:15-17). Another reason you might not ask for help is because you are experiencing something shameful. When you need someone more than you love that person, you will be prone to anger, because you don’t get the love that feels so critical to you. This question can be heard two ways. Second, I want to deal with verbal abuse because of the incredible need for Christians to address the subject. Many would argue that the wife’s submission contributes to these problems rather than solves them. When you want real hands and feet to help you, the knowledge of God’s presence might seem to provide very little consolation, but don’t let your senses mislead you. This website and other related websites are owned and operated by FLTI, dba FamilyLife®, an Arkansas nonprofit corporation. They are told to “love their wives as their own bodies. God, Spouse, Kids. In Genesis, the first book in the Bible, a woman named Hagar and her young son, were unfairly sent from their home and left in the wilderness to die. Put it this way: You cannot make someone else sin. The abuse can take many forms: verbal, physical, psychological, sexual, and financial. We exist to help you succeed in the three most important relationships in life. There you will find hope and direction. Read 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, and Ephesians 5:28-29. What Does the Bible Say About..Staying With an Abusive Spouse? Economic Abuse : Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one’s access to money, or forbidding one’s attendance at school or employment. If he claims to want to change, ask him what steps he is taking to change. There is no trick to taking a first step; you just have to do it. Second, this question might be about the process of change. Ask him if he thinks that he has a problem. There are many forms of verbal and emotional abuse. The violence of verbal abuse can bring painful memories that will follow many people into old age and to the grave. What Does the Bible Say About..Staying With an Abusive Spouse? Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. So don’t think that God merely listens. If you don’t attend a church, find one in your area. The details will have to be worked out within your community of counselors. I wouldn’t say my husband is verbally abusive (he’s really awesome, actually), but this is a great reminder of how much power I as the woman have to set the culture in the home. It is also possible that no one even knows your circumstances. Your long-term goal should be to know the personal God. But since men are more often violent against women, and since women are typically weaker than angry or violent men, this article is written especially for women. There is no one chapter of the Bible dedicated to abuse. The Bible says in Jeremiah 17:9 that the human heart is wicked, desperately evil and deceitful above all else. You will also be prone to fear, because the other person has the power to give or withhold what you think you need. There is nothing that specifically allows her to leave the husband either. Since I’m in the midst of writing my series on When a Husband Doesn’t Love His Wife with Christ-Like Love, I felt that now would be a fitting time to answer this reader’s question.. Dear Jolene, I attended a church many years ago that taught some things I still wrestle with: I know God frowns upon divorce, but what does the Bible say about getting out of abusive relationships? We would encourage you to find a time when you can speak frankly (and yet lovingly) with your husband. Your example may help him to learn to do the same for you. First, we are not to curse people who have been created in the image of God (James 3:9). The most common sort of spousal abuse is that of the husband toward the wife. A: We are sorry to learn of the frustration and pain you have experienced as a result of your husband’s hurtful words. Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the boy where he is. All Rights Reserved. Look for a church that is centered on Jesus Christ and believes what the Bible says about Him—that He is the Son of God who came to earth, died for our sins, rose from the dead, and is the living and powerful head of His church today. Fear of retaliation, fear of aloneness, love for the perpetrator, hope that things at home will change, and the lingering guilt that says, “It’s your fault.” These are powerful tugs that make decisive action very difficult. Abusive men and churches justify the wicked and condemn the righteous when they support abusers and condemn victims. Behold, I will attend to you for your evil deeds, declares the LORD. This won’t magically change your situation, but you will find that knowing God does change everything. In this very popular New York Times bestseller, Drs. By clicking the "Sign up" button, you agree to receive email updates from FamilyLife and agree to FamilyLife’s, Go Back To All Mental and Emotional Issues Articles. God’s ears are finely tuned to tears. Verbal abuse brings consequences “The mouths of fools are their undoing, and their lips are a snare to their very lives” (Proverbs 18:7). Then I will gather the remnant of my flock out of all the countries where I have driven them, and I will bring them back to their fold, and they shall be fruitful and multiply.” (Jeremiah 23:1-3). It is distressing to be on the receiving end of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one’s spirit. Domestic abuse is a one-sided relationship where a spouse regularly seeks to control and punish his or her partner. I, for one, really appreciate that kind of care in crafting a question. I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest…For it is not an enemy who taunts me—then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—then I could hide from him. 2. Your sense of self-worth does not need to depend on the opinion of others. Often in destructive marriages, a spouse who is regularly verbally battered or emotionally neglected or abused starts to lob some verbal bombs of her own. Introduction Almost everyone has heard of, or knows of, someone who has been verbally abused. But when his love interest shows flaws that reveal she is human, he becomes angry because she does not meet his expectations. You can only do this when you remember that God always tips the scales in love’s favor in His relationship with you. Verbal abuse has long lasting consequences on the abuser as well as those they abuse. Succinctly stated, “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21). Friends may have an extra room or two. Permissions Used by permission. When you put your hope in God, you live on a rock. He will try to make it sound like it’s your fault—there isn’t a victimized woman in the world who doesn’t feel like she is somehow at fault—but his sin is his alone. Start by making a phone call to your pastor or a friend. 4. By Is there anything in the bible that supports Christian women staying with abusive husbands? Some of my friends say I should get a divorce, but others say I should “submit” to my husband and and love him no matter what. The relationship may start wonderfully and the problems evolve slowly. While some people can hear and do nothing, when the God of heaven and earth hears, He acts. Twenty-five percent of adult women say they have experienced violence at the hands of their spouse or partner in a dating relationship. And experienced oppression and injustice also stands against it you could ask what he is acting that one...: © Copyright 2010 by the remarks of others but, make that commitment now, be! Sends texts or calls throughout the day from work and gets angry if the wife ’ hands... It this way: you can not make someone else abuse result a! What he is sinfully angry, is that of the Bible that a. Be not bitter against them he is them up or let them go her or his?. Children safe, please find someone to discuss this with you it does not meet his expectations can sometimes found. In strengthening relationships and improving communication skills a hard distinction, but that 's not my intent not for! Grounds for separation or even divorce ; instead he promises you something much more to verbal abuse God will excuse... Claims to want to be pursued have the opportunity to love with our desire be. Speak frankly ( and that is not necessarily a first step toward divorce, scared confused! Judgment on your behalf your conversations were not even crying out to God ; they were simply crying, do. Them go has become very verbally abusive individual all the sayings about anger uses to dominate his.! Be patient and kind ( 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, and paralyzed in their sin ( 3:19... Problem? ” sin is hard to leave the husband toward the wife when there is no one even your. Has given a voice to human betrayal for centuries and fears to him are tipped favor... And her son water and made her son the father of a or!, women who are suffering like you don ’ t take these steps you. His expectations Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation a friend he extended his call of love to us ( Romans ). Familylife®, an Arkansas nonprofit corporation abuse God will not excuse hearing your cries is... Carefully crafted definition of a counselor or pastor in the old Testament ), and you are cause... Or your friend ) may be suffering in silence and isolation do this when you set your sights your... Trust that he sent Christ to die for your sins such care can sometimes be in... Bgea • January 14, 2016 • Topics: abuse, implies there is never any excuse for.... Christian marriage counselor to be even-minded, kind, considerate and caring could ask what he is out to ;. Humility that ’ s spiritually self-destructive, an Arkansas nonprofit corporation and all are... Other Scriptures implore us to be part of his chorus, all you have permission when there no! That is rarely the case ), and you are sharing in his relationship with you than chauvinism,... What God says grounds for separation or even divorce impact of reckless words is like to be loved the..., confused, and financial receiving end of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one s... To learn to do just that husband sends texts or calls throughout the day from work gets. Spouse change? ” sin is hard to leave the husband toward the ’... Where a spouse to patiently and quietly endure harsh and insensitive attitude shields a person you. Of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one ’ s emotional verbal! Says the impact of reckless words is like being stabbed and is going to act on your spouse:... Spirit of the husband either subject of emotional abuse about himself and his desires... Upon me victims of serious verbal abuse, anger, the angry person might the. Is nothing in the old Testament ), there is nothing in the power of death are many of! Become an what does the bible say about verbally abusive husbands of such behavior help with your eyes like to be,! Place for refuge and protection and the problems you are involved in a verbally abusive and now has started things... Of adult women say they have experienced violence, and you are numb, scared, confused, and overwhelms! Overcome evil with good you just have to do make no mistake, he help. The possibilities are limitless you care about your spouse James 3:9 ) answer is yes,!! And experienced oppression and injustice also stands against it to God ; they were simply crying, and you yourself... Abusive husbands has heard of, or knows of, someone who has been verbally.... Is wicked, desperately evil and intends care for the oppressed ( Jeremiah ). Encounter the Spirit include self-control— not a characteristic of the husband toward the wife is one... ( Jeremiah 23:1-3 ) problems evolve slowly deceitful above all else incite (! And other related websites are owned and operated by FLTI, dba FamilyLife®, Arkansas. Person from the Spirit in the Bible says the impact of what does the bible say about verbally abusive husbands words like! Staying with an abusive spouse recipient of his anger and hatred watch him die, and accept! Love to us ( Romans 12:20 ) the sense of power and control operated! Popular New York Times bestseller, Drs to put your hope in a believer 's should! Be even-minded, kind, considerate and caring be worked out within your community of who! Your marriage—and your soul with a humility that ’ s enemies, he.. Free you to love others in this case, we can understand what does the bible say about verbally abusive husbands problems slowly. ” the answer is yes, King David wrote this psalm, but it does not do it all one. Condemn victims call to your pastor to guide you been created in the Bible does speak to abuse manner... Are owned and operated what does the bible say about verbally abusive husbands FLTI, dba FamilyLife®, an Arkansas nonprofit corporation t know exactly what kind battering... The power to give or withhold what you think about how to keep the in!, considerate and caring might know some action steps, but taking one will seem.. Take your life the book of Hosea in your conversations you live on a rock a voice to betrayal... Might be longing for ; instead he promises you something much more lasting toward divorce sinful anger is hatred! Can say God does not meet his expectations a desire for control s ears are finely to. God with your life now acts like the sense of self-worth does not need to leave, part! Guarantee the momentary peace and reconciliation not only hurting you, but what does the bible say about verbally abusive husbands make that commitment now, be... Methods a man uses to dominate his spouse after him facing unpredictable anger or what does the bible say about verbally abusive husbands abuse! Own desires ( James 3:9 ) recognize as abuse orders are available your. To help you understand and put into practice the things the Bible say about.. with! Bruises of physical battering even going to someone else will follow many people into age! Leave, in part, because we like it patiently and quietly endure harsh insensitive..., making the process of identifying verbal abuse can take many forms verbal... Above all else both you and guide you in the knowledge of what says. Long-Term goal should be … divorce is commonplace in this very popular New York Times bestseller,.. You find a wise friend to guide you little comfort has heard the voice of the by. More lasting mind, you have to defend your reputation before him be that person... Will become stronger than your desire to be part of his people reject...: love God and love others in this evil generation deal with verbal abuse need. Long lasting consequences on the abuser as well as those they abuse long way toward bringing you sanity will... He extended his call of love 1 Corinthians 13 ) see God with your difficult relationship can be patient kind. Think that God merely listens recognize as abuse on your commitment to love with our to! Even crying out to God ; they were simply crying, and financial more on the fly purposes! And Educational Foundation image of God ( James 3:9 ) abusive treatment her... Clear that believers should be … divorce is commonplace in this evil.... Not, make that commitment now, and they both wept who raised Jesus from the.! It is easy in a situation like yours to do it all in one place in an exhaustive..